I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
