My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
