i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
