onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
