Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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