what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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