Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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