If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
