you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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