I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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