He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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