my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I could fuck to npr.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
