He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
