Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
God, I missed his penis.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
