I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We named our party play list daddy issues
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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