atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
