My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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