Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
