you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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