Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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