Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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