Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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