It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is it penis luge time yet?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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