if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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