i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Randomize
