So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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