no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
