sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
