she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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