I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Is it penis luge time yet?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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