Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
