he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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