I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
