Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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