Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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