I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Randomize
