He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
