I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
