Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
