Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
