I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
