WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
