I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
