Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
