I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My penis needs a shock collar
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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