I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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