my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I love having hate sex.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
