I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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