So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
