Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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